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Monday, February 23, 2009

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Stage, Pt. 3

In the meantime of all this rehearsing (my family is so sick of this song, I can't even tell you!), I'd been asked to help with the music for preschool one Sunday morning. Now THAT I can do. I turn on our very fun VBX cd and we dance and sing together. The kids love it and I love it. Here's the kicker: I asked Samantha if she wanted to help me lead music for the "babies" and guess what she said?

"No, Mama. I get stage fright in front of them."

It felt like someone took a hold of my heart and squeezed it. Of COURSE she had picked up on my rising panic. Of course she did. And I was crushed. Of all the things parents want for their children, chief of among them is NOT to pass on their own emotional baggage. Keep them far away from our own faults. "Whatever happens, don't screw up the way I did," we say. Don't do drugs, don't sleep around, don't lie to get ahead, don't literally (or figuratively) sleep through your college career. Don't be harsh or mean or sarcastic. And whatever you do, DON'T have stage fright!

With Sammie's words, I took a deep breath and became even more determined to face my fear.

Then rehearsal night came and I blew it. I cracked that one high note. My nerves totally stole my breath control at the end and my voice was trembling. I came in too soon on the tag one time and too late another time. I get so cold when I'm nervous, I keep my jacket on. I was holding onto the insides of my coat pockets so tightly that the worship pastor commented about it.

THIS was not how I wanted to come across. I didn't want people to be so distracted by my obvious nerves that they missed the point of this powerful song. And, of course, for my own prideful self, I didn't want to screw up. I got in the car and wanted to cry. Guess why I didn't? Samantha was with me and I didn't want her to see my fear.

(And, can I add that with American Idol going on right now, I feel like everyone has become an expert on how to criticize? Thanks a lot, Simon!)

So, I asked myself, "If this is really a calling, if this is a God-given gift, then why am I still so upside down?!?!"  How do I teach Samantha to face her fear, if I'm not sure how to face my own?

More tomorrow....

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2 comments:

  1. aah! I can't wait to see how this comes out! I love a happy ending!

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  2. You're a good story teller. And an amazing singer. And an amazing friend. And an even more amazing pot sticker cooker.

    ReplyDelete