The next day, I was studying our next passage in Esther. It's where the king calls his trusted advisor Haman (also the villain of the story) and asks how he should honor someone he delights in. Haman automatically assumes the king is talking about him and he's not. HA! It's so easy to see the arrogance when we read about someone else, isn't it? We were to look up several passages pointing out the ills of craving honor. This is the passage that stood out to me:
Whoever speaks on their own, does so to gain personal glory, but he who seeks the glory of the one who sent him is a man of truth. John 7:18
How much of what was going on in my heart had to do with seeking my own glory? Was I really afraid of missing out on a position of honor and respect in someone else's eyes? Did I really want people to see what a precious gift God's infant son was to us? (The song was about the birth of Jesus.) Or, did I just want people to tell me what a gift I was? OUCH!!
As my pastor friend said, sometimes areas of sin or wrongdoing in our lives, even if it's deep in our hearts where no one else can see, can really hinder the fulfillment of our calling.
I wish I could say that all this Bible study and soul searching and confessing and choosing courage led to a flawless performance. It didn't. I could count about 13 things wrong with each service and I had a hard time accepting any praise simply because it didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it.
But, I did it. I faced my fear and insecurity and I did it. Only God can truly judge if my heart was in the right place. In the end, He's the only one on the panel of judges that counts.
Being able to say, "I did it," is only part of the victory. The lessons I learned on my way to that stage mean a lot to me.
- Remembering who it is that deserves the honor.
- Remembering that He loves my willingness and obedience despite my insecurities.
- And remembering that when all is said and done, mistakes or no mistakes, God will take care of me.
Whew! I'm worn out with all this "heart" work. I'm headed to the stage where I'm never nervous....the shower!
P.S. (Can you have a P.S. in a blog post?) The gal I was so envious of this summer was the first to call and tell me I did a good job and that she enjoyed it.
P.P.S. I caught wind that my worship pastor reads this on occasion. I know I sound like a basket case, but please ask me to sing again. ;)
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