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Thursday, April 23, 2009

Turns Out, I'm a Little Miffed

I was reacquainted with a friend a few years ago and she said to me, "You're not as funny as you used to be." Firstly, I don't remember being all that funny. Secondly, I thought to myself (to myself mind you, so I wouldn't smack her), "Life's not as funny as it used to be."

I'm doing a short study on the life of David.  The teacher last night said we had to move past our devastation with God in order to move on.  Huh?  I had to think on that.

If any of you have ever heard me talk about my Dad, you know that I can get teary pretty fast. When Brian and I were having some trouble in our first few years of marriage, I blamed him (Brian) for EVERYTHING.  I sought out a counselor who determined I had some unresolved grief issues, the bulk of which is a story for another day.  Daddy died of colon cancer the first year of our marriage (no wonder I was in counseling.) Anyway, I dealt with those things in that process. 

Or, I thought I did.

A few weeks ago I heard a woman tell the story of her own physical healing, followed by another story of a friend with cancer.  She said they prayed earnestly for her healing, but she died.  And when her youngest child crawled in her Daddy's lap, she said, "I don't understand, Daddy, we asked God to make her better." He answered her by saying that God made her better in a different way.

A dam was let loose in my heart and it all flowed out my sad, brown eyes.  I hate crying.  You know, the ugly cry...in front of people.  Yes, it's my pride all over again, but I still hate it. I thought I DEALT with it! What's with all the tears?  I discovered I'm still a little more than miffed with God about that.  

My Dad -- he was one of the good guys.  Wanted to do what was right by everybody.  He wanted us kids to do the right thing.  He was a genuinely nice person and made everyone feel not only loved, but liked.  (Except for my boyfriends.  He did a nice job of intimidating them.) He was even kind to the prisoners he took to jail -- said everyone deserves respect no matter what they've done. I know my opinion is biased and I can't sum it up in just a few sentences.  

I guess we're never ready to let someone go, but this was not fair!  He was too young.  I was too young.  I miss him.  I miss him spoiling my kids and playing the "hoopdedoo" game with them.  (You have to see it in person to get it.)  I think he would come by on Saturday mornings and have coffee with me.  I think he'd help Brian clear the woods.  I think he'd tell me my Sammie looks just like me and my Ava acts just like me when I was their age.  I think he'd puff up like a bull frog about Chase's name and probably call him "Charles" just to make a point.  I think he'd lavish on Chase all the boy stuff he didn't get to finish out with Jody.

So back to David.  God loved him -- man after His own heart and all.  David decided to bring the ark of the covenant back to Jerusalem, so the presence of God would be at the center of everything, but during the journey and celebration, someone mishandled the ark and he died on the spot.

The Bible says David was angry because the Lord's wrath had broken out against Uzzah. And, in the next verse that David was afraid of the Lord that day.

Aha...that's me. Angry and afraid. Has God done anything in your life you're mad about?  Are you just waiting for him to hand down the next hard thing?

Why didn't he save your marriage?
You raised your children in the church.  Why are they so far from him?
Why did he leave you in there high on coke when you really wanted out?
Why is your grandmother suffering still with alzheimers, as confused as a child?
Why did that boy choose that over me?
Why did my best friend alienate me? 

Those things are enough to make a person angry.  If you're wondering why the next GREAT thing hasn't happened in your life, maybe you've got to move past your devastation with God.

Unfortunately, I haven't gotten to the second part of the lesson, so I don't have good answers on how to move past it yet, but that's where I am today.

Think about it.


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