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Saturday, April 18, 2009

Some Things I'd Rather Forget

So the very reason I didn't join Facebook is the very one everyone used to convince me of its greatness: it's a great way to connect with people from your past.  YIKES!

Here's what I thought:  If I connect with people from my past, they'll be reminded of old times. Old times were not so good for me.  I was a schmuck really, in a lot of ways.  And those are the times I remember.  As more people ask to be friends on FB, I realize I have forgotten many things and many people.  I honestly don't even recognize their names and then when their faces don't ring a bell, I wonder if I was in a memory--erasing accident or something.

When I was in high school, like a lot of teenagers, I wanted to be liked -- to be in the popular crowd.  When I did hang with the popular group, I felt like I was only there on the coat tails of someone else or because they felt sorry for me because of a family tragedy.  And, I did some dumb things thinking they would make me more popular.  I'm ashamed of the way I let boys treat me back then. When I hung with the not-so-popular crowd, I actually felt more like myself.

In college, I masked my insecurity with loudness and boy-crazy stunts that are really heralded among many "finally free" young adults.  I was a music major and as I look back I realize I only did that to please my Dad.  My heart wasn't in it. I was there to make the grades and get the degree. Looking back, it's a wonder I didn't get myself in so many un-doable messes. Now they're just un-doable memories.  

After grad school, I started making better choices.  I fell in love and got my heart broken.  So THEN all my choices were an effort to keep from getting my heart broken again.  I masked the heartache in fake confidence and very controlling behavior. I'm ashamed at the way I treated men in those days. 

In short, I was selfish for a lot of years.  For so long it was all about me -- what would make me happy, who would give me the most attention, what did I want out of the day or the relationship.  Always looking for that other half that would "complete me".  What nonsense!

Now that I'm married (to my perfect match), I know that no one else can complete me (even him) and the source of greatest contentment for me is  letting other people know they are loved and they are special. Why does it take so long to learn such things?  Or, why did it take ME so long to learn?

So, here I go on Facebook.  I really am excited to see what old friends and acquaintances are up to, but I've already sunk my head in shame a few times and it's only been a couple days of friend requests.  I'm building up thick skin so I'll have the courage to apologize when I need to.  

One of my favorite things about God is that he gives second, third and fourth chances.  If given another chance, I hope I'll be a better friend this time around.



  1. That took courage! And I'm sure most of us could sign our name to the bottom of this post. If I ever become a real blogger, I may plagiarize this one :).

    Except, I'm not so sure I agree with the part (and you know which part I'm about to say) about our spouse not completing us. Let's talk about that more. I know, I know, some people call it codependent, but others call it oneness. I'm sure there is a difference, and I'm still trying to figure out what that difference is!

  2. I agree with Tracy. This post took a lot of courage. I'm proud of you, Sunny D.